Subject: Hidden Acts of Pride
1. “Insisting on One’s Own Way” Communication (Never Apologizing First)
- Situation Details: * Imagine a husband forgets to pay an important bill, resulting in a fine. When the wife points out the mistake, the husband’s first reaction isn’t an apology, but rather a justification: “If you hadn’t misplaced the bill, I wouldn’t have forgotten,” or “You forgot to handle X last week; this is just a minor thing.”
- Even when the spouse calmly explains their perspective and feelings, the proud person will constantly interrupt, using grander theories or bringing up past events to prove that they are “not entirely wrong,” or that “the other person is more at fault.”
- Deep-seated Pride: Prioritizing saving face and being “right” over repairing the relationship. They fear that apologizing will make them appear weak or lose authority.
- Biblical Contrast: The Bible calls us to pursue peace and to be “completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love” (Ephesians 4:2). True strength lies in actively letting go of self and restoring unity.
2. “Keeping Score” Mentality (Turning Favors into Bargaining Chips)
- Situation Details: * When a spouse asks for help with a chore, the proud person might think, “I already earned money today, and I cooked dinner, and now you want me to wash the dishes? I’ve already given so much!”
- During an argument, one person might blurt out, “I sacrificed my career/my interests/my time for you, and you dare to talk to me like this?”
- Deep-seated Pride: Viewing love as a utilitarian investment, demanding a return. They serve not out of unconditional love, but to gain their spouse’s gratitude, obedience, or emotional reciprocation.
- Biblical Contrast: Christ’s love is self-sacrificing and unconditional. 1 Corinthians 13 describes love as “not seeking its own interests.” This score-keeping mentality destroys grace and turns marriage into an endless game of debt.
3. “I Am the Savior” Superiority Complex (The Tone of a Mentor)
- Situation Details: * One spouse frequently corrects the other’s grammar, clothing, or way of interacting with others, either publicly or privately, and does so with a “I’m doing this for your own good” attitude.
- When dealing with money or raising children, they constantly make their spouse feel inadequate, believing they must “take the reins” because their spouse is “too emotional” or “too impractical.”
- Deep-seated Pride: A lack of respect for the spouse’s unique gifts and value. They view their spouse as a project to be “fixed” or “improved,” rather than a complete covenant partner.
- Biblical Contrast: Philippians 2:3 reminds us, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Specifically, “In humility consider others better than yourselves.” This requires acknowledging that your spouse possesses wisdom and abilities that you lack in certain areas.
4. The Rigidity of “Unwillingness to Change” (Stubbornness)
- Situational Details: * The spouse requests moving to another city for a better quality of family life, but the proud partner refuses because “This is where I’m comfortable, I don’t want to adapt to a new environment.”
- The spouse proposes a new budget plan to reduce unnecessary expenses, but the proud partner retorts, “I’ve been spending money this way since I was a child, and there’s never been a problem. You don’t need to teach me.”
- Deep-seated Pride: Prioritizing comfort over the growth of the relationship and the spouse’s happiness. They fear loss of control and the unknown, and believe that change is equivalent to admitting that their past ways were wrong.
- Biblical Contrast: We are called to be constantly renewed in our minds (Romans 12:2), and this is especially true in marriage. If a behavior or habit is harming the relationship, even if it once made you feel secure, be willing to change for the sake of love, demonstrating the spirit of “self-sacrifice.”
5. Selective Listening (Only Preparing to Refute)
- Situational Details: * When the spouse expresses, “I feel like we’re not close enough,” the proud partner immediately jumps to, “How is that possible? I just took you to the movies last week! What does ‘close’ even mean? What do you want?”—They don’t pause to listen to the spouse’s underlying feelings of loneliness or neglect, but are eager to prove the spouse’s statement wrong or unreasonable.
- Deep-seated Pride: The focus is on “protecting oneself from the spouse’s criticism,” rather than “connecting with the spouse.” They view listening as a threat, not an act of love.
- Biblical Comparison: James 1:19 says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…” This is not a technique, but a humble attitude that prioritizes the spouse’s voice and feelings before one’s own reactions.
6. The Punishment of “Indifferent Isolation” (Cold War and Power Struggle)
- Situational Details: * After an argument, one spouse deliberately avoids eye contact, refuses intimacy, or responds to the other’s questions with minimal words (such as “yes,” “okay”) for days. They are physically present but emotionally completely withdrawn.
- This is a silent coercion, forcing the spouse to apologize to end the painful silence, even if they believe they are not at fault.
- Underlying Pride: This is a passive-aggressive attack and manipulation. They are unwilling to confront the conflict or acknowledge their own hurt, instead attempting to regain control of the relationship by making their spouse suffer.
- Biblical Comparison: Ephesians 4:26-27 warns against letting anger linger until sunset, because it gives the devil a foothold. The cold war is stockpiling anger and turning it into a weapon, destroying the peace and trust in the marriage.
7. The Pretense of “Image Over Substance” (Living for Others)
- Situational Details: * The couple acts very loving and harmonious in front of church members or friends, but immediately falls into silence or erupts into arguments upon returning home.
- When the spouse suggests seeking marriage counseling, one immediately refuses because, “What will people think if they know we have problems?”
- Underlying Pride: A desire for human approval and praise outweighs the pursuit of truth and inner health. They view marriage as an extension of personal achievement, rather than a sacred covenant.
- Biblical Comparison: Jesus condemned the hypocrisy of the Pharisees, who only performed acts for show (Matthew 6:1-5). A healthy marriage requires the courage to confront internal imperfections and seek God’s healing.
8. The Boundaries of “Property Division” (Yours and Mine Are Too Clearly Defined)
- Situational Details: * Although income is shared, when it comes to large purchases, one partner insists: “This is my inherited property, I don’t need to discuss it with you,” or “This is what I earned through hard work, I have the right to decide how to use it.”
- They are unwilling to share their phone password, or feel uncomfortable or resentful when their spouse uses their personal belongings (such as a laptop or car).
- Underlying Pride: A lack of complete trust and surrender. They place their self-worth and security in material possessions or personal space, rather than in the unity of the covenant.
- Biblical Contrast: The early church believers “had everything in common” (Acts 4:32). In marriage, while not everything is absolutely identical, the principle of “unity” requires us to be generous, transparent, and willing to share resources and decision-making power.
9. “Silent Expectations” (Expecting the Spouse to Read Minds)
- Situational Details: * On one partner’s birthday, the spouse gives a gift, but the gift doesn’t meet expectations. The proud partner gets angry but refuses to express it: “I love you, but I wish you would give me A instead of B next time.” Instead, they resort to passive aggression, such as complaining that their spouse “doesn’t understand me at all.”
- When under work stress, they need their spouse’s comfort. But they don’t say anything, instead expecting their spouse to “guess” and proactively provide the necessary support.
- Underlying Pride: This is a manifestation of a lack of humility and willingness to communicate. They believe their needs are too important to require asking; asking would diminish the value of their needs.
- Biblical Contrast: We are encouraged to clearly tell God our needs (Philippians 4:6). In marriage, love is action, and action requires information. Healthy relationships require proactively and humbly expressing needs, rather than testing the spouse’s love through trials and disappointments.
10. Criticism Through Blame-Shifting (Seeing the Speck in Your Brother’s Eye, But Not the Log in Your Own)
- Situational Details: * When a spouse struggles in their faith or makes a mistake, the proud partner doesn’t offer help but instead criticizes: “You’re not praying enough/you don’t have enough faith, that’s why this is happening.”
- Seeing financial disarray in the household, one partner immediately blames the other’s spending habits, neglecting their own lack of financial planning or their own overspending.
- Underlying Pride: Attempting to elevate one’s own moral or intellectual standing by belittling the spouse. This is a defense mechanism to avoid personal responsibility.
- Biblical Contrast: Matthew 7:3-5 recounts the famous parable of the “log and the speck.” Jesus teaches us to first address our own sins and weaknesses (the log) before we can help our spouse remove the “speck” in their eye with love and humility.
